Thursday, 10 August 2017

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets

As a film? No, not really. Constant digression loses the weak narrative and Dehaan is an extremely poor casting choice, though Eyebrows was excellent.
As a carefree romp through a fully realised world bloated with imagination? Yeah, loved it. And Eyebrows was excellent.

The Red Queen Kills Seven Times [La dama rossa uccide sette volte/ The Corpse Which Wouldn't Die]

A great film trying very hard to fight its way out of a mediocre one containing a baffling amount of characters. Should have made The Red Queen Kills Four Times instead.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Five Dolls For An August Moon [5 bambole per la luna d'agosto/ Island Of Terror]

As Giallo begins to boom in popularity a wilful Bava appears to already be bored with it all, abandoning the usual explicit violence and instead trying to bend the whole affair into being a relationship farce more suited to the stage, only with plenty of sleaze and a high bodycount.

Saturday, 5 August 2017

68 Kill

Quick note to any other misogynistic dick who thinks that this kind of nonsense empowers women; If you make every woman in your film a hate figure that must be killed by an emasculated idiot so he may become a real man, then you're not empowering anybody, you're just churning out sub Tarantino bollocks.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

The Rock and three people who are not The Rock go to an island where the only real mystery is whether anybody actually read the script before they willingly signed up to be part of such utter shit. In a rare moment of harmony the teenager pointed out that if not even The Rock could save a movie then it may well be the worst movie ever.

The Karate Kid [2010 Remake]

Trapped in a rundown hotel room with a fuzzy tv loaded with the most basic of digital channels, I found myself sitting stoney faced through this unecessary remake of throwaway eighties fluff. On the upside if I hadn't I would never have seen that poster with its deeply unfortunate placement of Jackie Chan's face.

Sunday, 23 July 2017

Dunkirk [IMAX]

An orchestra of evocative WW2 imagery conducted by Nolan's typically tricksy grasp of time. The teenager gave it a positive monosyllable.

Friday, 21 July 2017

Hidden Figures

Great to see mathematics not only getting people safely back and forth from space but also giving both sexism and racism a good kicking. Disappointing to see mathematics reduced to muttering to yourself as you write lists of numbers and operations before carefully drawing a circle around the last thing you write.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Cannibal Holocaust [Ruggero Deodato's New Edit]

Not really a new edit at all, just some MS Paint fake film scratches layered over the more lingering shots of animal cruelty which does absolutely nothing to diminish the level of atrocity on offer.

War For The Planet Of The Apes

A satisfying climax, though Dawn had more war. But that's ok because this one's got more dawn.

It Comes At Night

Extinction level event horror stripped of the usual overt threat leaving grim, slowburn existential menace in its place. Superb.

Spider-Man: Homecoming [IMAX 3D]

Is not the best Spider-Man movie but is the best movie Spider-Man.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Baby Driver

A heady cocktail of high octane automobile pursuit and carefully managed audio synchronisation segues into a stumbling clusterfuck of squabbling criminals and poorly thought out decision making. At least I liked the beginning, the teenager hated it all on the basis of unrealistic character motivation, to wit - "I wouldn't do all of that because of one ok date. There's plenty of other boys out there that don't shoot people".

Sunday, 18 June 2017

All The Colors Of The Dark [Tutti i colori del buio/ They're Coming To Get You!/ Day Of The Maniac/ Demons Of The Dead]

Giallo via Polanski as the ever watchable Edwige Fenech has a breakdown of the psyche and decides satanism is the best way to prevent visions of stabby killers everywhere she goes. King.

Saturday, 17 June 2017


I should rightly rip this to shreds but criticising Baywatch is a little bit like pointing out that primary school kids' artwork is shit.