Sunday, 23 July 2017

Dunkirk [IMAX]

An orchestra of evocative WW2 imagery conducted by Nolan's typically tricksy grasp of time. The teenager gave it a positive monosyllable.

Friday, 21 July 2017

Hidden Figures

Great to see mathematics not only getting people safely back and forth from space but also giving both sexism and racism a good kicking. Disappointing to see mathematics reduced to muttering to yourself as you write lists of numbers and operations before carefully drawing a circle around the last thing you write.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Cannibal Holocaust [Ruggero Deodato's New Edit]

Not really a new edit at all, just some MS Paint fake film scratches layered over the more lingering shots of animal cruelty which does absolutely nothing to diminish the level of atrocity on offer.

War For The Planet Of The Apes

A satisfying climax, though Dawn had more war. But that's ok because this one's got more dawn.

It Comes At Night

Extinction level event horror stripped of the usual overt threat leaving grim, slowburn existential menace in its place. Superb.

Spider-Man: Homecoming [IMAX 3D]

Is not the best Spider-Man movie but is the best movie Spider-Man.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Baby Driver

A heady cocktail of high octane automobile pursuit and carefully managed audio synchronisation segues into a stumbling clusterfuck of squabbling criminals and poorly thought out decision making. At least I liked the beginning, the teenager hated it all on the basis of unrealistic character motivation, to wit - "I wouldn't do all of that because of one ok date. There's plenty of other boys out there that don't shoot people".

Sunday, 18 June 2017

All The Colors Of The Dark [Tutti i colori del buio/ They're Coming To Get You!/ Day Of The Maniac/ Demons Of The Dead]

Giallo via Polanski as the ever watchable Edwige Fenech has a breakdown of the psyche and decides satanism is the best way to prevent visions of stabby killers everywhere she goes. King.

Saturday, 17 June 2017


I should rightly rip this to shreds but criticising Baywatch is a little bit like pointing out that primary school kids' artwork is shit.

The Mummy [2017 Effort]

In which the scriptwriters wrote a tedious, exposition heavy prologue and then cut and pasted it into every character's dialogue, the exception being Cruise's character who spends the first half constantly surprised that he's in the film and the second half going to every length to try and escape from it.

Thursday, 15 June 2017


After an unbroken run of excellent Giallos alongside an unbroken run of excellent supernatural horror movies Argento was clearly stuck as to which he should make next, so he tried to make both at the same time and succeeded in neither. And yet despite this it's still easily my second favourite movie featuring a homicidal simian. Yes, second favourite.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Wonder Woman [IMAX 3D]

A bland caper enlivened by a well written central character who gives precisely zero fucks for gender conventions, story conventions or the fact that she's presently single handedly propping up the slowly wilting DC cinematic universe.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge [Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]

The sort of good natured bollocks where a slumming actor steals every scene he's in (Bardem), where when a plot point is achieved groups of men stand around smiling at each other and where every character gets a sense of closure in case not enough people watch it to make another one. Except Sparrow who gets an origin story allowing Disney to start pinching off a series of younger version spinoffs instead.

Monday, 29 May 2017

Alien: Covenant

One of those films set in a future where we have technology so advanced we're able to create artificial life so smart it can break its own programming in order to take on autonomy, insanity, megalomania and the ability to grow hair, yet we still haven't mastered lights that stay on inside a spaceship when it has to land in a storm.

Saturday, 27 May 2017

A Cure For Wellness

Like a really big turd, long and shit.


A neat little idea about giant monsters that stumble over clumsy tonal shifts.

Monday, 15 May 2017

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer [Q2 Fan Edit]

In preparation for series three I have rewatched the entirety of the first two and rounded it out with this. Some clever fella has carefully reassembled the missing pieces back into Fire Walk With Me to get as close as possible to Lynch's original vision, and what a vision it is as it rocks back and forth between goofy idiosyncracies and bleak, harrowing traumas. Nobody does incest and doughnuts quite like Lynch.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Monday, 1 May 2017

The Bogey Man [The Boogey Man]

A tangled confusion of children murdering adults, haunted mirrors, teenagers suffering random death by sharp implement, ghosts with telekinetic powers, priests exorcising evil and eerie houses with glowing windows. But no Bogey Man. Rubbish.

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Eyes Of Laura Mars

A thriller that explicitly ties the Giallo boom to American slasher movies. The subjective POV shots of a black gloved killer and themes of high fashion demonstrate just how much Bava and Argento scriptwriter John Carpenter had clearly watched before he went off and created Halloween, whilst the idea of a killer replicating murders shown in violent art would be later lifted by Argento for his return to giallo, Tenebrae.
As interesting as all that is though, the film barely musters average, mainly due to young Tommy Lee Jones looking weird as fuck.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

The Belko Experiment

What could have been a witty riff on a familiar plot gets betrayed by mechanical direction that plunges everything into a seething mass of sudden brutal demise.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

The Incident [El incidente]

An excellent head mash that avoids choking on all the over abundant exposition by just how far out its central concept eventually becomes.

The Handmaiden [Ah-ga-ssi]

For fans of sumptous visual artistry, Roald Dahl's adult fiction and scissoring.

Sunday, 16 April 2017

The Fate Of The Furious [IMAX]

Eighth installment, this time directed by someone who clearly knows where to place a camera when they want to crash a few cars.
Diesel maintains his incredibly serious expression for the majority of the running time mostly as a method for holding all that air in but also because he's secretly upset that The Rock is now steering his affections towards Jason Statham instead.
There is a bit when Diesel smiles presumably because he's imagining that if they were to try and all kiss each other at the same time then from the top they'd look like a creature with three buttocks clenching it's ass muscles. Diesel likes this mostly because it's silly but also because it includes kissing, buttocks and clenching muscles which are his three favourite things.

Dellamorte Dellamore [Cemetery Man]

A certainly unique but ultimately very mopey meditation on death, love and abrupt episodic plotting that proudly wears a multitude of influences joining the dots that run through Raimi, Jackson, Jeunet, Gilliam and Hitchcock.

The Sect [La setta/The Devil's Daughter]

A curious tumble of Italianate logic and bizarre outbreaks of random terror that all conspire to make the birth of the antichrist come off as a bit of harmless stupidity. I quite liked it.

The Church [La Chiesa]

Would appear to actually be two films, the first hour is a woodenly acted relationship between a librarian and art restorer who between them uncover clues that begin to reveal hidden atrocity committed in the name of organised religion. The film then visibly becomes Demons 3 instead as the church doors close and everybody, including a wealth of bonus characters who've just rocked up, goes instantly insane except for the cool priest who must try to find the one place in the church which when activated will cause it to collapse.
Neither film really supports the other, the first hour being a staid introduction to the carnage that follows and the last part rendering all the carefully laid plot irrelevant as everybody goes insane and does whatever the fuck they want.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Raw [Grave]

Coming of age stories like this are usually told through vampirism so I did find it refreshing to watch cannibalism exploited as allegory instead. It was also refreshing to see a more subtle take on cannibalism, less chewing on intestinal rope and something more akin to the blood lust of vampire movies in its place. This balance is what made Raw excellent. That and the ending.

The Wailing [Goksung]

A beautifully told encounter with evil that deftly flits between light hearted zany and the brutally horrific, I've not felt so successfully out-manouvered by a movie in some time now.

Ouija: The Origin Of Evil

Gently builds into something that almost stands apart from the usual before descending into random death, random surprise basements and random facial surgery.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Mulholland Dr.

A master at work.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Ghost In The Shell [2017 Remake] [IMAX 3D]

Reduces the philosophical complexity of the original to an oversimplified 'who am I really?' plot whilst amplifying the visual astonishment of the original to a retina shredding glory, which is all welcome from where I'm sitting.
A quick perusal at the level of internet twattery that has sprang up around this and the fact that it's acting like sand under the foreskin for a bunch of cretinous cunts makes me like it even more.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice Ultimate Edition

Contains an extra half hour that reveals the Superman movie that Warners felt fit to remove to make way for a half baked Justice League prequel instead. Also a timely reminder that Zack Snyder can make any old shit look really fucking good. Except for that bit where Batman clings to the corner of a room like a cobweb desperately trying to pretend it doesn't have a dick, nobody can make that look good.


Cartoon about the difficulties of growing up alongside a blooming maniacal oppression.

Get Out

Accelerates the well meaning but ultimately deeply insulting backhanded compliments of white middle class liberalism from awkward to darkly sinister at a thrillingly breakneck pace.

Personal Shopper

This had enough of a mix of murder mystery, the supernatural and high fashion to put me in mind of Giallo movies which in turn made me aware that it appeared to be lacking in sleaze, black gloved killers and any sense of fun.
The teenager flatly stated that it was boring and that she liked it, demonstrating just how easy she is to read these days.

Thursday, 16 March 2017


A masterclass in cinematic understatement where every glance, camera shot and line of dialogue is loaded with such emotional complexity you can't help but let the film wrap itself around you and engulf your every thought. Superb.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Kong: Skull Island [IMAX 3D]

I was looking forward to watching a big monkey punch helicopters out of the sky but I didn't realise that to get there I'd have to struggle through an over abundant and over qualified cast desperately trying to make themselves relevant to a script that clearly didn't give two fucks who was saying the words. Throw in cinematography that constantly squealed 'Look I'm Apocalypse Now' despite being nothing of the sort, editing that would feel proud to be called inept and a director exhibiting a startling inability to control anything and I now realise I should have just stared at that poster for two hours instead, it would've been a lot more fun.

Thursday, 9 March 2017


Blackly comic killing spree that delights in highlighting some of the weirder interactions ladies have to put up with when pregnant. Also delights in showing gaping neck wounds, so win-win.

Logan [IMAX]

Certainly the best Wolverine movie, probably the best X-Men movie and possibly the best Marvel movie so far.

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

The Love Witch

Lavish technicolour extravagance that goes on a bit.

Under The Sun

Tantalising glimpses behind North Korea's propagandist veil constantly remind you that no matter how fascinating this documentary undoubtedly is there's a much bigger, far more fascinating story that they're desperate, but completely unable, to tell.

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Men Behind The Sun [Hei tai yang 731/Squadron 731]

If nothing else this demonstrates that despite having got to a point in my life where I've seen a lot of films, there are still films out there that can offer up new sights unseen by my eyes. Not sure that this is a good thing anymore but wow, I certainly saw some things. Thanks Joefest.

Elite Squad [Tropa de Elite]

Unrelentingly grim look at policing Brazilian slums, apparently not an easy job and one that involves a lot of grimness combined with a distinct lack of relenting.

The Killer Is Still Among Us [L'assassino e ancora tra nol]

At the end a title card appears proclaiming that this film was made 'with the hope that it will be of use to law enforcement to bring these ferocious killers to justice.' Not sure how a badly made, piss dull attempt of a thriller is gonna be useful to anybody but at least the thought was there.


Excellent tale examining familial complexities that can occur due to an over indulgence in brutal rape and torture at times of war.

Friday, 24 February 2017

The Marsupials: The Howling III

Utter fucking abombination. Can't remember the last time I shouted 'JUST FUCKING END' at the screen, it was the pan pipes that did it.

Turkey Shoot [Slaughter Game/Blood Camp Thatcher]

Kept drifting off. However being the third Trenchard-Smith of the week meant I was prepared for the inevitable extended chase sequences and could catch a quick doze as everybody was running about then wake up for the important stuff like a chap getting his hands cut off. Lost some of the finer plot details.

Dead End Drive-In

A teenager gets trapped by bureaucracy in a place full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes and works to escape. Which he does, but to a larger place full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes thus coming to the uncomfortable realisation that everywhere is just full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes.

Long Weekend

Goes for a lot more eerie weirdness than I was expecting such as the ever encroaching dead sea cow, but literally runs out of ideas as a chap endlessly pelts about a forest searching for a surprise ending long after the film should have ended.